RIP mama bear!

Hey guys! Hope y'all are well. This is my first post so just bare with me. Don't judge please! Haters get off my page. 

October 12, 2013 was the day my entire world came apart and I slowly had the pick the pieces back up with time. My mom passed away Saturday night at exactly 9 pm. It has been 8 months, I can't believe she is gone. She was absolutely fine. She suddenly had a massive heart attack, her heart gave up on her. She passed out, I immediately called 911 and according to paramedics instruction, I started the CPR session until they arrived. I couldn't feel her pulse and she wasn't breathing. Lord knows how much I was panicking. She literally held my hand and passed out on my lap.  

Her pulse came back after 30 minutes of CPR, it was weak but it was there. I became hopeful. I was praying so hard with tears in my eyes. All I kept thinking if Allah took her away from me, I would die. She was rushed to West Houston Medical Center in very critical condition. Doctors arrived and warned me and my dad that She had a difficult fight. Her BP was low, sugar levels as high as 513, weak pulse, pale skin, swollen arms, blockage in her arteries and unconscious. Then, she was taken to ICU on life support. She couldn't breathe on her own. What was happening? I loved this woman so much. I prayed and prayed, with no sleep, with no food in my tummy. I put all my faith in god, I told myself, "Miracle will happen and Allah will bring her back." Dad was lost, he was out of it. Brother was crying I held myself together for my family. 

I immediately called mom's family in Pakistan, I couldn't wait any longer,They were so shocked. She was loved by everyone, she was so humble, soft hearted, caring and giving. Cardiologist, Nurse practitioner, Neurologist and physician all came to the room and had no great news. Neurologist informed me that she had suffered from a Cerebral Infarction, brain injury due to no oxygen to her brain. Cardiologist told me she had a cardiac arrest and she is in critical condition. All we could was wait. A day passed by, mom was still unconscious. 

The next day, they were running test on her including MRI and CT Scan. According MRI, there was no brain activity. Oh my god, I was balling my eyes out. Neurologist was right there and pat on my shoulder and told me she may not make it. I told him to wait. The hospital ran more tests, I was told she had a fever, pneumonia and her kidney wasn't functioning normal. Her entire was warm, her feet and arms were swollen. Her mouth was dry, her skin was still pale. My family in Paki was freaking out. I prayed and cried to Allah with my knees to bring her back. I still had hope and wasn't going to give up. 

My uncle was arriving from Miami so I left with bro to pick them up from the airport. When I got back, I saw that ventrilator wasn't attached to my mom's mouth and her head was covered with a white scarf. Apparently, she didn't make it and I fell on the floor balling my eyes out then I passed out. I was immediately rushed to the ER. My entire body was in shock, I knew what was happened around me but it was completely shocked and I was traumatized. I couldn't believe it. Why god Why? Why I couldn't do anything to save her. What kind of daughter was I? I woke up after 2 hours asking to meet my mom, I was hoping that she'd be alive. I was told she died and I went crazy. 

Today, it has been 8 months and I'm still in complete shock. I wasn't doing too well in the beginning of dealing with this grief. I was having panic attacks left and right, I was afraid, I could hear my mom talking to me and I was scared of dying. I was caught in depression, suffered from insomnia, couldn't relax and felt like I was losing control of my body. Not having my mom around to hug, to talk, to hold killed me inside. I'd go to work and come right back. My first anxiety attack felt like I was having a heart attack and felt like I was dying. My heart was beating fast that I couldn't keep up, I had tingles in my arms, had upset stomache, was getting shocking pains in my brain, I was shaking and trembling. I went to the doctor close by, they diagnosed me with anxiety disorder. They prescribed me Paxil. 

It has been hard, but with the help of psychotherapist, exercise and medication I'm better than before. I am cherishing life and taking my mom's death as a lesson. I wasn't prepared for her death but Allah granted her jannah(heaven) and she is much better place and happy. That's all I want. Everyday, I get up and smile knowing that she is watching over me. I love her to the back and moon. She was an amazing woman and she is my inspiration. She left so much for me to handle and honestly I didn't think I would come this far. God has been great and I know her prayers are always with me. Tomorrow is promised. 

I promise to make my posts shorter next time, I just had to vent. 

Until Next time, goodbye. much love! 

                                          

Love You Mom!!!! RIP